It’s a script as old as reality TV: Women are painted as the hopeless romantics, always catching feelings, while men are supposedly just in it for the chase – or, let’s be real, the sex. Swipe through any dating app or scroll your group chat receipts, and you’ll see the myth alive and well. But is that really how it works? Or are we all just acting out a story someone else wrote for us, decades ago?
Turns out, the truth about love, sex, and what anyone “really wants” is a lot messier, and more interesting – than any stereotype. If you’ve ever wondered why these narratives stick, or questioned if you’re the only one who doesn’t fit them, you’re in the right place. Let’s pull back the curtain on the science, the social scripts, and the real stories behind what we want, and why it’s never as simple as it seems.
Where Did This Myth Even Come From?
The idea that women are wired for love and men are wired for sex isn’t new. Evolutionary psychology has long argued that women seek emotional connection for security and child-rearing, while men are supposedly programmed to “spread their seed.” But real life isn’t a wildlife documentary, and most experts agree: Human attraction is way messier, and way more interesting – than that.
“People love to draw a sharp line between men and women, but the truth is, our desires are shaped by a mix of biology, culture, and personal experience,” says Dr. Lisa Wade, PhD, a sociologist who studies gender and sexuality. “There’s no universal rule.”
The Science (and the Social Pressure)
Sure, hormones like oxytocin (the so-called “cuddle hormone”) surge during sex and bonding, and yes, some research shows women may experience higher emotional attachment after intimacy. But here’s the catch: Men’s brains are also flooded with oxytocin. And plenty of men crave connection just as much as women do.
So why does the stereotype stick? Partly because of how we’re raised. “Girls are often encouraged to value relationships and emotional expression, while boys are taught to focus on achievement and independence,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller. “That shapes how we approach dating and intimacy.”
Dating Apps, Hookup Culture, and the Modern Mess
Swipe culture hasn’t exactly helped. If you’ve spent any time on dating apps, you’ve probably seen the clichés play out: guys who “aren’t looking for anything serious,” women who are “done with games.” But dig a little deeper, and you’ll find plenty of exceptions – men seeking long-term love, women who want casual flings, and everyone in between.
One survey found that nearly as many men as women are looking for committed relationships online. The difference? Men are more likely to say they feel pressure to act “chill” or “unattached,” even when they want more.
The Real Reasons We Want What We Want
Desire isn’t one-size-fits-all. For some, sex is a path to love; for others, love makes sex better. Sometimes, it’s about timing, chemistry, or just the phase of life you’re in. And let’s be honest: Sometimes it’s about wanting to feel wanted – emotionally, physically, or both.
“People’s motivations for sex and love are complex and can change over time,” says Dr. Lehmiller. “It’s not just about gender – it’s about personality, past experiences, and even what’s happening in your life right now.”
What About the Double Standard?
Here’s where things get tricky. Men are often praised for casual hookups, while women are shamed for the same thing. The “men want sex, women want love” myth isn’t just inaccurate it’s harmful. It can make women feel guilty for wanting sex, and men feel embarrassed for wanting connection.
“Everyone deserves to want what they want, without judgment,” says Dr. Wade. “The healthiest relationships are the ones where both people can be honest about their needs.”
So… What Now?
If you’re tired of being told what you “should” want based on your gender, you’re not alone. The best thing you can do – for yourself and your relationships, is to get curious about your own desires. Are you looking for connection, adventure, validation, or something else? There’s no wrong answer.
And if you’re dating, skip the scripts. Ask questions, listen, and be honest about what you’re after. Whether you’re looking for love, sex, or something in between, you deserve a relationship (or situationship) that feels right for you.
Bottom line
The idea that women only want love and men only want sex is less about biology and more about old stories we’ve been told. Real people are more complicated, and more interesting – than any stereotype. So, next time someone brings up the age-old question at brunch, just smile and say, “It’s not that simple.” Because it isn’t, and that’s what makes it all so fascinating.
