In the group chat, she’s quieter than usual. At brunch, her laugh sounds a little forced, her phone face-down on the table. Maybe you’ve noticed she’s stopped making plans or that her stories about her partner – once funny, now tinged with apology – leave you uneasy. You want to help, but the line between support and overstepping feels razor-thin.
If you’ve ever felt helpless watching a friend get pulled into a relationship that seems to drain her spirit, you’re not alone. Toxic relationships – whether marked by manipulation, control, or just a slow erosion of self-worth – are heartbreakingly common. But knowing how to actually help? That’s complicated.
“People in unhealthy relationships often feel isolated and ashamed,” says Dr. Maya Patel, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship dynamics. “The most important thing you can do is remind your friend she’s not alone and that her feelings are valid.”
The Myth of “Just Leave”
It’s tempting to imagine you can swoop in and rescue your friend, or at least talk some sense into her. The reality? Most people in toxic relationships already know something’s wrong. What they need isn’t a lecture, but a lifeline.
“Leaving is rarely a single decision,” Dr. Patel explains. “It’s a process, and it can take multiple attempts.” Shaming or pressuring your friend to break up – no matter how well-intentioned – can backfire, making her feel judged or even more isolated.
Start With Curiosity, Not Criticism
Instead of launching into advice, try gentle curiosity. “I’ve noticed you seem a little down lately. Is there anything you want to talk about?” Open-ended questions create space for honesty, without making your friend feel defensive.
If she opens up, resist the urge to jump in with solutions. “Sometimes, just listening is the most powerful thing you can do,” says licensed therapist Jamila Nguyen, LCSW. “Validation – like ‘That sounds so hard’ or ‘You don’t deserve to be treated that way’ – can be incredibly grounding.”
Understand the Subtle Signs
Toxic relationships aren’t always obvious. Sometimes, it’s the small things: a partner who tracks her location, criticizes her friends, or makes her second-guess her own memories. These behaviors chip away at confidence and independence, often long before anyone on the outside notices.
“Abuse isn’t always physical or dramatic,” Nguyen says. “Emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and isolation are just as damaging, and often harder to spot.”
Share Resources, Not Ultimatums
If your friend seems open, gently share information about healthy relationships, local support groups, or counseling services. You could say, “I read about this therapist who helps people in tough relationships – let me know if you ever want their info,” suggests Dr. Patel. The goal isn’t to push her to act, but to plant a seed.
Be Patient, And Take Care of Yourself
Supporting someone in a toxic relationship can be draining. It’s normal to feel frustrated or helpless, especially if your friend seems stuck. Remember: your steady presence matters more than you realize.
“Leaving can be a long, messy process,” says Nguyen. “Your job isn’t to fix it. It’s to be a safe, nonjudgmental space.”
Don’t forget your own boundaries, either. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to step back and recharge. Supporting a friend doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being.
When Safety Is a Concern
If you ever suspect your friend is in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional or contact a helpline for guidance. Sometimes, safety planning with an expert is the best way to support her.
The Bigger Picture
It’s easy to blame individuals for staying in toxic relationships, but the truth is, leaving is rarely simple. Financial dependence, cultural expectations, fear, and even love can all play a role. The real solution isn’t just about one person making a different choice – it’s about building a culture where everyone feels safe, supported, and empowered to leave when they need to.
Bottom line
You can’t rescue your friend, but you can be her anchor – a steady, empathetic presence as she finds her own way forward. Sometimes, just knowing someone is in her corner is enough to help her see the possibility of a different future.
If you or someone you know needs help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline are available 24/7.
